(Watch me read this story live at Chuck Palahniuk’s Story Night here)
Okay, so, like, get this – this one time forever ago, back when they still had video stores like in the movies, back when “R” movies still showed lots of boobies and bushies, there was this one dude named Eddie. No last name. Just Eddie. Anyways, so, like, my brother, he says this Eddie, he’s why we can’t do lemonade stands no more. Says Eddie made lemonade stands against the law.
My brother, he says Eddie’s a goddamn legend.
Oops, Mom said don’t say “damn.”
Anyways, so, like, back when the internet went beep boop beep boop bzzzzzzzt, my brother, he says these culdy sack kids down the road in Cherry Hills, ya know that kind of neighborhood where all the houses are brown beige and just, like, copy and pasted and copy and pasted, anyways, these kids, their chihuahua got lung cancer real bad because their mom smoked like a million packs a day. Got the dog second hand smoked. And to fix his lungs was going to cost something like ten Playstations, only not Playstations since they didn’t have those back then, but you know what I mean, right? So these kids they get the idea from a TV show or something, or a book, I don’t know, they get this idea to sell lemonade to save their smoked chihuahua.
Anyways, so these kids, they build a stand using an old wooden ladder or some shit –
Oops, Mom said don’t say “shit.”
… an old ladder or some stuff , but they’re too poor to buy real lemons so they just make the ‘ade from those powder packets, those Kool-Aid kind? Only they’re too poor for sugar too, so the lemonade, it’s really just yellow-colored water – ha – it’s really just PEE water they’re selling.
So, like, they’re trying to sell this pee water, and they’ve got their cancer dog with them, so, like a couple people buy a cup cause, ya know, I mean the dog’s right there, but these kids are out on the sidewalk all day and only make like enough money for a can of Coke or something. So by now, these kids are crying their eyes out, cause ya know – cancer dog – and they go to bed in their copy pasted house and try again the next day and the next day and the next day.
Anyways, so, like, get this, these culdy-sack kids, they’re out there selling their pee water for like, half of summer break, and can maybe buy like two cans of Coke and maaaaaybe a bag of Funyons – definitely not enough to buy new lungs for their cancer dog. And just when they’re about to call it done-zo, just when they’re drawing straws to see whose pillow they’ll use to, like, put their smoked chihuaua asleep, here comes Eddie.
Eddie the god darn legend.
Eddie, he lived next door. He was, like, home from college on summer break or something. So, Eddie, he rolls up in one of those vans, ya know? No, idiot, not the “hey kids want some candy kind.” Eddie, he rolls up in the Scooby Doo kind. My brother, he says Eddie had deadlocked hair down to his waist and always reeked of grass.
So, like, I dunno, Eddie must have mowed yards or something?
Anyways, Eddie had been watching these culdy sack kids with their cancer dog and pee water, watching them make, like, zero dinero, and he rolls up in his Scooby Doo van and he says he’s got something that could help them “move product.”
That’s how my brother said Eddie said it. “Move product.”
Anyways, so, like, Eddie, he takes these gallons of pee water inside his Scooby Doo van and comes back before these culdy sack kids can even raise their hand with a question. Then Eddie, he slaps the gallons of pee water back on the stand and jumps into his van. And he rolls down the window and says, “Remember kids,” and he laughs then says, “remember, never sample your own stash!”
Like, whatever that means.
Then, Eddie, he leaves in his Scooby Doo van blaring that jingley jangley music hippies like.
Oops, Mom said don’t say “hippies.”
Anyways, so, like, it’s hot as balls outside and there’s this neighbor who’s just out painting his house another shade of brown beige or something, and this neighbor, he gets real thirsty and comes over to this pee water stand, and he pets cancer dog’s head, and he buys a cup of of this pee water, and these kids are just watching him drink, and they’re just waiting to see what happens, and they’re just watching him sample their stash, and guess what happens!? Go, on. Guess! You wanna know what happened?
Nothing. Zero. Nada. El Zilcho.
So, like, this guy just goes back to painting his copy pasted home another shade of brown beige.
But then, get this, I dunno, like, after the kids go inside and eat a bologna lunch or something, they come back out and see this old dude, this neighbor guy, he’s just spinning in circles and he’s flinging paint all around his yard and driveway, flinging paint like a lawn sprinkler, and he’s just giggling and giggling and flinging and flinging.
Then, this guy’s old lady, she steps outside and is all like “what are you doing?” and “are you crazy?” Then she, like, sees the culdy sack kids just staring and watching, so she goes up and starts asking them all these questions and these kids, ya know, they’re just like shrugging and I-don’t-know-ing all over the place, so they give her, like, a free cup of pee water just to shut her trap. And not too long later this woman, this neighbor’s old lady, she’s out beside her husband, drizzling paint all over her boobies, then she’s pressing them against the house windows, leaving behind just pairs and pairs and pairs of what look like droopy ball sacks. Just balls made out of boobies and brown beige paint. Everywhere. But just like, laughing her head off, having the time of her life.
Ya know? Crazy right?
Anyways, so, like, by dinner time, these paint-flinging weirdos have called and told all their neighbors about this magic pee water and now, finally, these culdy sack kids have a line of people at their magic pee water stand. So, like, these kids get real smart all of a sudden, and they start just ramping up the price. A dollar. Ten dollars. And people keep buying it. Twenty. Fifty. 100! These kids, they ramp up the price to something like a thousand dollars a cup. And people keep paying until the kids are like Powerball rich and have enough money to turn their chihuahua into a cyborg or something. And before the street lights even come on, everyone in the neighborhood’s had a cup of this magic pee water. And, like, everyone starts sprinkler painting their houses like those tie-dyed shirts we made in art class last year with Mrs. Jenkins. Reds. Yellows. Blues. Pinks. Everything but beige. Just flung all over everything. Rainbow ball sacks everywhere.
Then, now, okay, my brother says this is where things get interesting. Then–
Ugh. Hold on. My Mom’s calling.
Hey Mom. Yeah, I’m down at Billy’s. Already? I just got here. Can’t I just eat here? Hold on, I’ll ask.
Hey, my Mom wants to know if we’d be eating any of that Mexican food with the beans. I don’t do so hot with beans. Okay.
Mom? Yeah, Billy says he’s Guatemalan, not Mexican. No. I don’t know the difference either. Okay! Just five more minutes. Geez. Okay!
Anyways, so, okay, right, so this is where my brother says it gets really interesting…
Like, you know what “s…e…x” is right? When a dude puts his dilly in a girl’s butt and she poops out a baby? Well, my brother, he calls it “porking” I guess, because like, you put your dilly in a girl’s butt and the baby pops out like a spring, like a pogo stick, like how a pig’s tail is all curly cue? Anyways, so my brother, he says the next day, the entire neighborhood just starts porking all over the place.
Porking on sidewalks.
Porking on parked cars.
Just a total pork fest.
And I guess everyone was just like one big happy family, porking whoever they wanted. Just handing flowers to everyone and porking their brains out. My brother, he called it something like “free love” or whatever. But that wasn’t the only thing free in this neighborhood.
So, like, get this, they turned this one house into a hospital of sorts, only if you broke your leg, or your arm, or – ha – if you broke your dilly from all the porking, they would just fix you up for free! And, like if someone porked a baby inside you and you didn’t want it, they’d just like, zap! Harry Potter magic it right out of you.
Zap! just like that!
Then, like another house, they turned into a college or a university or something, what’s the difference anyways? But yeah, I guess people could go there and learn stuff for free, whatever they wanted to learn. And, my brother, he said everyone’s minds had been “expanded,” because, like, they ended up learning a lot.
Because, my brother, he says this neighborhood, they turned all their cars into the electric kind, ya know, like the ones that rocket guy with the funny name in California makes? The guy my Dad flames on Facebook? Anyway, one of the neighbors, she built what my brother called a “cold infusion reactor” and the thing powered the entire neighborhood without killing birds or poisoning poor people.
Then, my brother, he says, like, this neighborhood, it formed its own Police force, only they didn’t carry guns or anything, they just went around helping people do stuff. Cat up the tree. Call the Police. Dad having a nervous break down. Call the police. Easy, right?
My brother, he says nobody in this neighborhood ever went hungry, or cold, or un-hugged. And the culdy sack kids fixed their cancer dog, cyborged him right up, and invested the rest of the money into crypto and own an island now or something.
Anyways, so like, when summer break was over, and all these kids of all these neighbors go back to school, that’s when stuff really hits the fan
So, like the PTA, you know, the Parent Teacher Army? They figured out about all this free love and crazy ideas going on in this neighborhood after the kids of all these neighbors started asking questions in class. Stuff like, if they love each other, why can’t my daddies get married? And, why do police keep killing black people? And, why if a woman gets raped, why does she have to keep the baby? Ya know, real crazy shit. Amiright?
Oops, Mom said don’t say “shit.”
Oops, Mom said don’t say “universal healthcare.”
Oops, Mom said don’t say “my body my choice.”
Oops, Mom said don’t say “non-combustion engines.”
Oops, Mom said don’t say “carbon footprint.”
Oops, Mom said don’t say “gun laws.”
Oops, Mom said don’t say “same sex marriage.”
Oops, Mom said don’t say “science.”
Anyways, so, like, the Parent Teacher Army, they marched into this neighborhood and just went total Call of Duty on everyone. It was a total pork fest. Exploded flowers, burning tie dye. Busted ballsack windows. Tore it all down. The free hospital. The free college or university or whatever. The cold infusion reactor. Then, they, like, shipped anyone left alive off to the worst place you could possibly imagine.
Portland, Oregon.
Anyways, so, my brother, he says Eddie the legend is still out their driving across country in his magic Scooby Doo van, kind of like that guy who planted all the apples? The one who wore that raccoon hat? Paul Bunyan’s friend. Johnny Applehat. Anyways, Eddie was that neighborhood’s Johnny Applehat, spreading his magic seeds into those kids’ pee water and delivering people from their brown beige copy pasted lives, until the Parent Teacher Army went all Terminator on their asses.
Oops, Mom said don’t say “ass.”
Anyways, so, like my brother says that’s why we can’t have lemonade stands no more.
But wait, that’s not all. Get this! You want to know what my brother said happened at this other neighborhood?
Ugh. Hold on. My Mom’s calling again.