(Watch me read this story live at Chuck Palahniuk’s Story Night here)
Bobby Down the Street, he’s comin’ over to my house and we’re gonna play crash-em up cars. Bobby Down the Street, he’s this many years old just like me. Both us have a scruffy dog stuffy and a goldie fish and Power Ranger jammies and a mommy and a daddy. We have so many many the same. Only not. Bobby Down the Street, his jammies got boy red on ‘em but mine got girl pink . And Bobby Down the Street, his mommy lives with his daddy but mine lives with angels now.
Amen Mommy.
Bobby, he got a PowerWheels Jeep. It goes real fast. Superman fast. Zoom! But it’s not many the same as Mommy’s car was. But that’s okay. We can still play crash-em up.
Bobby blows his horn when he makes it over. It goes loud and spooks Daddy’s chickens. Daddy says spooked chickens make bad eggs. So I says Bobby shhh, cause Daddy he’s a sleepin’. He sleeps everywhere now. And I say shhh Bobby ‘cause Daddy he hates bad eggs. And Daddy, he says that man, that Mommy’s friend that sneek-ed around, he was a bad egg too. Said that scumbag can rot in hell.
Scumbag’s a funny word.
Bobby Down the Street, he hugs me. Bobby, he says, “sorry about your Momma.” Them words, they sad my stomach. Sad my chest. But we don’t talk sads at our house. So I says Bobby, time to put on dress-em-up clothes. You can’t play crash-em-up cars with no dress-em-up clothes.
The clothes bag, I sneek-ed it out the garage. Sneek-ed it behind the cock house. That’s what Daddy calls the chicken house. Bobby, his nose gets all wrinkles when the clothes bag gets open. Smells like old library and sour candy. And Bobby asks if we have to put them clothes on us. Bobby says his Mommy, his still gives nighty night kisses Mommy, says Bobby has to play whatever I want cause my Mommy is gone. That makes the sad shake at my lips. Water at my eyes. And Bobby Down the Street, Bobby My Only Friend, he helps me pull out the dress-em-up clothes and lay ‘em on the ground.
The clothes, they all stiff and stuck. Snot on a sleeve stiff and stuck. Only not snot, they got puddin’ stains all over ‘em. Me and Bobby, we pull ‘em apart. And the clothes, they’re cut up and tear-ed but my head remembers Mommy’s flowers dress. The other clothes, my head don’t remember. Good pants. Button shirt. Cause them’s that bad egg’s clothes. Me and Bobby, we get all ‘em clothes on the ground, and they look like the people just disappeared out of ‘em. And I point at them clothes and I tell Bobby, tell ‘em he gets to be Scumbag and I get to be Mommy. Then we takes off our clothes and the wind, it tickles our hairs and colds our skins. What’s between Bobby’s legs is missin’ between mine. We are so many not the same. Daddy and Mommy not the same.
Amen Mommy.
That police man, he bring-ed Mommy’s clothes to Daddy in a grocery sack bag. Daddy, he hide-ed the bag in the garage but I seen him. Seen him cry too. You can never see Daddy cry cause if you do, you get a boom boom on your butt. I ain’t never seen Daddy cry no more after that. I just hear Daddy cry. Just hear his sniffles at night when the wind growls big and Daddy’s bottles go clink.You can tell how many Daddy cries by how many many bottles in the trash.
Amen bottles.
The chicken stays real quiet when I gets it from the cock house. It bounces in my lap as the PowerWheels Jeep goes bump down the yard. Bump bump bump. Each bump feels good cause Mommy’s flowers dress gives me hugs. And Mommy’s dress hugs my nose with Mommy smells. Waffle syrup smells. But not Mommy smells too. Chicken with its head on choppy box smells. Visitin’ old grandpa smells. The puddin’ stains, they make Mommy’s dress stiffy-stiff. And they scuff and they bite my arms and my legs when the Jeep goes bump. The wind poofs through the cuts in Mommy’s dress and gives my skin goosie bumps, but I hold the chicken tight even when he goes flap flap flap. Bobby in Scumbag’s good pants and button shirt, he keeps pushin’ up his sleeves to keep ‘em from runnin’ all over his hands. He pushes ‘em up so he can still drive good.
And Bobby Now Scumbag, he asks where we’re goin’. And I say in my best Mommy voice, “To see me, silly.” And Scumbag Bobby, he looks at me all weird. So I tell him in my regular voice that I couldn’t see Mommy at the cement-airy cause Daddy won’t let me go. Cause Daddy said Mommy was just a stupid slut whore. But Mommy was just Mommy to me.
Amen nighty night kisses.
Amen morning waffles.
Daddy, he say to his polka card friends, he says ‘em Mommy had a cock in her mouth when she went to live with the angels. But later I done count Daddy’s chickens and all them still there. So it wasn’t Daddy’s cock that went with Mommy to live with the angels.
Amen Mommy
Amen cock.
Bobby in Scumbag’s clothes, he says drivin’ on the road with the Powerwheels Jeep is bad bad, but the sads, they water my eyes again, so Scumbag, he drives on the road. And we drive down the road Daddy don’t go down no more. Even when Daddy picks me up late from school and he drives all funny and smells like bottles, even when this road makes home faster.
Even then Daddy don’t go.
Me in Mommy’s flowers dress and Bobby in Scumbag’s clothes, we bump down to Dry Ditch Bridge. Me as Mommy hugs the chicken tight tight tight. Him as Scumbag, he waves and honks when cars pass by. Honk honk honk. We just a cute as a bug couple. Mommy Me, in my Mommy voice, I say to Scumbag Bobby, “I’ll never leave Daddy for you.” And I say “Cause you’re just a bad egg.” Bobby in Scumbag’s clothes, he looks at me crooked then scoots away a bit.
Then the bridge shows up. Them black marker tracks on the road too. Mommy Me, I point, and Scumbag Bobby drives on them marker tracks to the edge of the bridge where real Mommy and real Scumbag crashed off. Under the bridge, there’s just a boom fall down to dry ditch. Rocks that scrape and chew. But Mommy Me says to Scumbag “keep drivin’.” Mommy Me says to Scumbag “drive faster, Bobby!”. And Scumbag drives faster. And the Powerwheels Jeep, it whines like Daddy’s drill and the edge it gets closer and closer. Then Scumbag Bobby, he tries to jerk us away, but Mommy Me, she grabs the wheel straight. Then Mommy Me grabs the chicken from the cock house, grabs it close to her mouth. Then zoom! My tummy chugs like a carnival ride after a big hill. The wind poofs through the rips in Mommy’s flowers dress. And Mommy Me grabs the neck of the chicken.
And Mommy Me, she puts that chicken head inside her mouth.
Then the Jeep goes boom and crack. And Mommy’s teeth go snap. Then it’s all boom-booms on the butt only meaner and meaner. The sky, it goes down and up and down and up all crazy. And Mommy Me’s mouth tastes like choppy box. And the chicken, it flies out Mommy Me’s hands. And Scumbag, he screams all the way down and down until he doesn’t. My head sees stars and stars then the sky stops moving. Then it’s shhhh quiet. My Mommy eyes look for Bobby and they see him under the Powerwheels Jeep. Head all cracked open on the rocks. All red yolk everywhere. Red yolk runnin’ all over the shiny bits and pieces left from Mommy’s real car.
Amen Scumbag.
Amen Bobby Down the Street.
But Mommy Me, stupid slut whore me, we spit out the chicken choppy box taste from our mouth. We smile with cock blood stuck all up in our teeth cause we’re not cracked open. We’re not a stupid slut whore. We’re nighty night kisses and morning waffles all over again.
Amen sad.
Then Mommy in our puddin’-stained Mommy flowers dress, we pick up the cock with no head, and we walks back down the road to tell Daddy. Tell him no more sads.
Cause Mommy’s come back home.